sometimes i wanna be ugly and i wanna be weak. Such moments can be vulnerable, fragile and shaky, but its times like this that i truly understand how one can replace a flaw with an inner beauty.
Through these 3 months, i have been tired, locked in a shopping mall at 2 am with a complete stranger during tear down of an event, cried at anxiety, mocking at my disparity and incapability to garner any motivation,fighting desperately to maintain a lit candle that's burning in me and lastly hoping that my friends will not leave me even if i do not tell the story.
Guess sometimes,not telling is like wearing an 8 inch high heel walking the city on highways. Taking flight at risk, pain and denial. Nevertheless, now is the moment when i just wanna take it all off, walk barefooted and see who will truly stay put even when i have walked a thousand miles with blisters and bruises. Those that will catch me when i fall, will not turn an eye away at my exhaustion and when everything is over, i will look back and see how far i have walked.
If i was ever pretty for these 3 months, it was never physically. I shall dedicate this chapter to my inner feelings. One that can only be named when i have truly seen how beautiful one can be even if it means, everything is going downhill from here.
Not talking, not saying. Just showing it unintentionally.
Seeing me gradually, realising from every fatigue that's written on my face; tells a story. One that i will never tell.there are just so much that i will never understand, so i'm just falling, tripping and learning.
Don't blame me for walking on.it could be just you that chose to leave and give up because you can't accept any of my flaws.
sweet (: hahas found it during my research for the GSSC event. hahas Wandering in no mood to persevere. ._. So nice that someone just bookmarked a page of your life, while you werent aware of it. Subconsciously, i do feel warmth and belonging nowadays. Transitory at moments when i pull back, but fufilled at the phase of fun and laughter (:
Officially down. Not being able to meet up with my Lieutanants from SAFTIMI, col and majors that i so do not get the ranks and start double promotioning everyone in my emails. :(
From: Captain Ong
Why cant i just do something not so KLUTZY for once. Appraisal will be here any moment. I feel unappreciated. Im sure we all do. Croaking like a mad chaotic bunch of frogs, loss of voice, and now i'm just really worn out. But for the sake of my team, for the sake of those who are still around, for those that called, smsed :D im pressing the "ON" button.
Here's to how im really disappointed in this issue:
Firstly, why shift your darn hellhole right now when 3 major events are ongoing. So much that we have to come back on weekends to move your truckloads of shit. yes EAT MY SHIT.
Sat is SAFTIMI 1pm in the hellhole, so now we are untouchables that Sunday is left with the only option? DOnt you f_ing have a family to tend to? Why is it that i told you i'm sick and you can bring sarcasm at its highest point and call me at wee hours just to make sure im gonna do something that i AlREADY mentioned in my email! OMG
You make yourself sound so NOBEL in everything you DO but at the end of the day, you are just playing mind games with all 9 of us.
wth IS WRONG with appreciating the things we are doing right now and not tell another party secretly that:" i dont want to hear any of the girls doing SAFTIMI to complain about shifting the things on weekends because they are not suppose to feel tired"
NOT SUPPOSE TO FEEL TIRED? IM SURE ALL OF US ACTUALLY WORK TILL WE HAD NO VOICE, OUR COMPLEXION IS DOWN THE DRAIN FOR YOU, BACKACHES,TEARS, FEVER AND PUKING AT THE SIGHT OF YOUR "NOVELTY".
OMG you fcking made my day man. fcking make my day to 9 pm when all contractors have their shed on blackouts while that darn hellhole lights are so "ON".
if you are gonna ask me to stay on even after JULY, since you are "sighing" to the fact that nobody is gonna do your shit work including:" buying subway from orchard back to paya lebar when we could leave there on time but die die want us to come back because you want to eat your SUBWAY MELT", I HOPE YOU MELT IN THE HEATS OF HELL cause my answer to THAT IS NO, hell no that im gonna stay for you to continue this physical and mental torture i face every single day.
and dont even bring my DANCE ISSUE IN. if you dare once again, im gonna screw up this whole project( THE ONE that you claim that its the biggest project in your hellhole's financial year) and make you lose face even though its gonna terminate my INTERNSHIP.
My anger for you is so on molten lava that it's still boiling after it subsides.
its my event I TAKE OWNERSHIP.
oh why do i even bother so much about making every bit of this a success when you still dont appreciate any of our hard work and efforts?
i'm becoming really ugly when you shape and mould the ulter ego of mine, stepping it down right under your feet.
Looking at the mirror now just make me see a prolonged stranger.
ive tried my best, but my best obviously is still not enough.
caged in and wrapped around tightly till i suffocate.
49 of them all telling a story if only you are willing to linger and listen..
wanted to write in chinese hahas wonder why (: maybe cause i express better in that form?? in Jap other than english.
Realised that having heart to heart talks with Jonanan and Fionie at 11.40 pm at a train station makes me feel happy and at ease. (: hahas
Today, assumptions is the least knowledge one can have. I realised and should change my perception of certain things. Flaws are written over again and again, but somehow i wanna learn to accept flaws around me. Faces to traces, and back to traces of it where i can accept and learn to appreciate the imperfections that i could have once gone through.
I love rushing for Bus no.5 when i'm with my bimbotic travel partner and forget to take out our ez link cards just before the check out gantry.
Im learning to accept why she always come late and her "coming soons". >:)
I'm actually also learning to accept the fact that buying standard ticket earns you an extra dollar so you dun have to tell uncle :" deng yi xia, wo zai zao qian" hahahs (: when you board the bus.
Lastly, how you always will listen and tell me to not hide it in when i'm at my vulnerable phase during our rides home.
Thanks la huh. But still haiz.... can strangle you at times.
One more thing: Lt doesn't feel like keeping her long hair anymore. That's like a shocking news to me as well. haahhahs Wonder why?
Lavone: (: Smile ONE
Estee: Get ready to receive my letter :D mailed to your letter box
"When the planet's all aligned,when you look into my eyes and just like that, watch the chemicals react..."
I believe at some point of time, you and me can be self centered, can be impatient and won't stop placing ourselves as priority before learning to stand in others position.Now i believe this self-centeredness has a trade off relationship.
If i gave up something for you in an earlier position, its only right for you to replace it for me when i need you to do so in the future. Be it repaying to me, or because you can't get over the guilt or karma hits you in the head and tells you, "wake up and learn to sacrifice at times".
Sacrifices come in so many different aspects right now in my life. To the point where i can't sleep thinking about these sacrifices. Insomnia till 4 am till i really lay on my usual right side and fall into deep slumber.Time from time.Deemed as trivial to some yet i still showered benevolence. Listen and stitch up. Because the moment when words start forming into blocks of accusations , that's where i can forgive but i will never forget. I'm sure this topic has been touched on so many times. Back and forth. Forth and back.
I still remembered a few days back, had a long talk with Niger, Ayozi, Fion at Level 7th studio. The songs that were nostalgically played on repeat, the right company, the adrenaline rush when we were level 12th's, that feeling was Warmth. (: Smiling gleefully from left to right.I just cant explain it. My feelings for every relationships at the bigger picture is just so unpredictable yet strong and surreal. So i had ta get it off my chest k. I hope you wont falter and think otherwise my dear Ayoball. Every little imperfections and flaw that the other party has, if you are able to embrace it that's love (:
For me, its the last person that will be on my mind before i head to another land in deep slumber. It makes me feel that trace of thought will keep this person close to me just beside protecting me from whatsoever the following morning. One can have so many small feelings for multiple, but only one will surface when the nights close in. Tht's for me AND exclusively i love how i feel with regards to this issue. Right now its just me and my slumber. No person. But if one day, this spot is filled. I will let you know hahas (; (ukw) Love is a warm fuzzy feeling, be it officially or unofficially. It's just send tingle right straight up to your toes up to level 12th and that glow in FION'S EYES *hint*. ._. HAHAHAS
For the sake of mine, yours and ours, including theirs, I will step it up.
i tried to suppress, i really did. I tired to cover my ears and mute out those cackles, laughter, and talks that acted like daggers piercing right through my heart. I called, i teared. Its a barricade. Once again, i'm gonna fence in. I really want peace in the car, at home or at work so let me have it. Why are there so much anxiety, hostility, anger, and misunderstandings hanging from your mouths, and all i can do is lip read or turn my head away pretending that i did not press the pause button on my ipod just to catch a glimpse or hear a sentence or two that i do not wish to hear. The wire is unplugged. It has always been. I'm just muting out your voice, muting out their voice and lastly...
Muting out mine.
I have really really tried my best to survive through hell. To survive the whole day on my own. To send out signals or calls of help at a certain time or two just to make others believe that everything is ok. Present past or future. This 12 weeks could probably be detrimental, could probably show me the other side of ugliness and i have to see it.
this is for a particular person who's been there for me even though i know he always love to show his random concern through our squabbles and quarrels and calling each other bitch and bastard. (:
I think it's quite obvious who this person is. hahaha You personally send me a really long message the day we decided to actually called "truce" to our you know,"bitch fights"? hahas which aint gonna happen.. you know it! >:)The first guy that i actually ever throwed my tantrum and said :" fuck off" at a bustop. HAHHAS
Techniques take time, courage takes a whole lifetime to step into the circle and just go ahead with it with a blank mind.Many dancers have the techniques but lack Courage to go up and battle. You have it. That's the adrenaline rush that triggered you to just give your very best shot the moment you know your time has come to show what you've training very hard for. i know you did your best already, so don be sad k? Cause i know both your styles are so different yet when on that very night itself i saw two person sharing the same goal. I was very very much happy for you and i know you dont mean it when you said you wanted to put a temporary stop to dance and try out the aerospace or aviation flying ambition of yours. (: I will support you whatever it is even though yea i dont show it. MUAHHAHAHA
YES, your courage is admirable k? HAPPY? hahas (: and i'm really happy you have been my coursemate for the past sem. Putting up with my nonsense and all. Train at SMU if you must alone, but DONT SCRATCH grrrrrrrrrr irritating.
You are my friend, the keith with the IRRITATING (S).
Keep on dancing.
Ok that doesnt mean i actually still favour your RETARDED RANDOM SPASMS during lectures.
Just woke up, its now 4.25 pm. My world is kinda _____ right now. I don't even know how to explain it. I just try my best to live with it and master every hope or motivation to get through when sometimes it's really mind and body challenging.Time flies and it's May already. When it's June i will really rejoice because that would be one more month left to put up with all these shit. I realised i do have high expectations of people around me, it wasn't like this before. I want that "sit back and relax let the rest just comes naturally in occurrence;"me" to be back but it seems pretty impossible.Recent events did made me disappointed. Really really disappointed but someone did knock some sense into me. If I don't expect too much, the lesser would be my disappointment. Therefore, i chose not to sour these relationships. I chose not to tell.Once bitten twice shy. My second chances are gonna be pretty slim if i continue to have that mindset.K.O night is Down and the Female and Nuyou Longest catwalk event is down too. What's next is the GSS event, SAF event (navy) which i can pretty foresee no SLEEP. Since these projects are delegated to me to prove my competence in that fcking competitive shit hole. :( To say this:" what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is much more easier than personally going through it. I'm sure i've done that and by the end of July, i will really emerge stronger than before.
To yunn and audd: i'm sorry for the multiple times we couldn meet up on fridays because of the late 3-4 ams at event site. I really do wanna catch up and solve those problems. It sucks when i don't even have time to sit down and talk to you guys properly instead of settling things over the phone during work. Let's meet up soon k. It was really great to see you auddball at the theater (:
Last night was........... hahahas (: 6 aliens came over to my house. Each one had different way of sleeping, waking up, eating then going back to sleep, different methods of waking them up and annoyingly retarded when playing wii.But i hoped you guys did enjoy your stay. hahas Sorry there wasn't proper place to sleep though.
I guess i just want that someone to really understand what i'm going through and not judge, to stay by me and listen even when i don't say, to comprehend every misunderstandings i chose not to solve because i feel it's redundant to clarify when people obviously dont listen, to know how much effort i'm willing to try even when the whole world puts you down. That person means alot and i'm gonna wait for one that's gonna make me change and actually see a different side to things.
Pictures will do the talking..at least for now..
Edward cullen :3 ahhas rite~ Just a lookalike
Hair and makeup Nathalini carried the jimmy choos... (: Shes the only model i felt had a unique vibe from the rest.
Amalina (: then coincidental SIP mate that i bump into..
DKNY SHOES ARE LIKE.___. i WILL OWN ONE PAIR BEFORE I DIE. Brendon the cullen DROP DEAD GEORGEOUS.
DKNY delicious has a nice scent and a lasting trace... i felt so happy when i tried the product. hahas (: maybe am gonna get it or something. Thats it.. this is the glamorous part. I will post the set up of tentage which aint so glamourous the next post if i have time.
Welcome to my world, if you havent realise.. i havent got much time What do you see in me... when you stare?