dreamcatcher

there are some things that aren't real., but i believe the grass are getting greener each day. I know that day is drawing near, i know by far one day when i wake up, i see what a fleeting glimpse of a flickering memory of my future is.. and all i wanna see it, is different from diffused faulty lights... that my dreams aren't mere marred lines of images i drew with weak fingerprints on broken glass , disappearing with fragments of condensation..that my wait is not transient but worthwhile.. cause at the end of the day, when i say "i do", i knew everything was did leycialy.. and when that day comes real,i will have no regrets.

i would rather soar than fly. At this moment.,its not about flying away anymore. its soaring where hellground is.

and when sunsets, you get stardust

Choices

ive been away for really long. not intentionally but the intentions of writing just faded with my suburban heart and my urban messed up life. Sometimes, i just cupped my hands,lean forward and hug myself for three to five seconds thinking what's really going on in my life. The choices i have made and why i went ahead with it. Gradually, i will promise myself i will find an answer as days go by... likewise, i wished i really knew. But i didnt. and i never did.

There were many choices i made in this year that i know i didn hesitate and went ahead with it. Irrational, call me being rash, or on impulse..i just didn't felt like there wasn't a reason not to. But at the end of the day, i realise all the choices i made in situations leads me to a stage where i have no more choice but to carry on with what i have agreed earlier on. More often than not, its never... for myself. I have done too much this year for others.. I have all these self conversations and disillusion in my head especially when October comes around the corner. Something about October, feels right. Feels me, feels that in this month, i have to do something for myself. We can do without the talks for the rest of the months that i have forsaken, but not for October.

I know i have made many led downs and mistakes in my choices leading to disappointments. Especially in the friendship area. But selfishly, i wished they understood where i was standing, why i decided to choose the other option. But i know its my fault. You cant choose both love and friendship. You have to give up one. One always gets lesser than the other. But i dont wanna be like this anymore from now onwards. It doesnt mean that im going to think for myself now, i just wanna do what's rightful to the rest that i have missed out on for a long period of time.

I have been circling too much around yew. Now that's he gone, i dont deny that sometimes i feel like im the old me again. i feel like i can do without him at times like this when i fall really really sick when hes not there. But thing is its not he that didn care, its even if he wants, he cant. So truthfully, i have to compromise. But i dont want to anymore. I wanna find the other me thats been buried for really long deep underneath this relationship. And i wanna find her back real bad even when he books out, i know that i have finally strike the balance. Being in a relationship has made me lost something on the way, i dont really know how to put words to it, but i know theres something missing and i know i can have it even when im with yew. Just gotta trace it back.

Recitals, Danzation, Trainings, School, has taken its toll on my body. I thought i wouldn fall sick, but in the end i did. It should have happened way back earlier on, but i guess now wouldn make a difference.I wanna do well for everything i have chosen to do this year before my birthday and even after it.

Because i know, tracing back the dotted lines that i have missed , would eventually lead me back to the starting point.