ive been away for really long. not intentionally but the intentions of writing just faded with my suburban heart and my urban messed up life. Sometimes, i just cupped my hands,lean forward and hug myself for three to five seconds thinking what's really going on in my life. The choices i have made and why i went ahead with it. Gradually, i will promise myself i will find an answer as days go by... likewise, i wished i really knew. But i didnt. and i never did.
There were many choices i made in this year that i know i didn hesitate and went ahead with it. Irrational, call me being rash, or on impulse..i just didn't felt like there wasn't a reason not to. But at the end of the day, i realise all the choices i made in situations leads me to a stage where i have no more choice but to carry on with what i have agreed earlier on. More often than not, its never... for myself. I have done too much this year for others.. I have all these self conversations and disillusion in my head especially when October comes around the corner. Something about October, feels right. Feels me, feels that in this month, i have to do something for myself. We can do without the talks for the rest of the months that i have forsaken, but not for October.
I know i have made many led downs and mistakes in my choices leading to disappointments. Especially in the friendship area. But selfishly, i wished they understood where i was standing, why i decided to choose the other option. But i know its my fault. You cant choose both love and friendship. You have to give up one. One always gets lesser than the other. But i dont wanna be like this anymore from now onwards. It doesnt mean that im going to think for myself now, i just wanna do what's rightful to the rest that i have missed out on for a long period of time.
I have been circling too much around yew. Now that's he gone, i dont deny that sometimes i feel like im the old me again. i feel like i can do without him at times like this when i fall really really sick when hes not there. But thing is its not he that didn care, its even if he wants, he cant. So truthfully, i have to compromise. But i dont want to anymore. I wanna find the other me thats been buried for really long deep underneath this relationship. And i wanna find her back real bad even when he books out, i know that i have finally strike the balance. Being in a relationship has made me lost something on the way, i dont really know how to put words to it, but i know theres something missing and i know i can have it even when im with yew. Just gotta trace it back.
Recitals, Danzation, Trainings, School, has taken its toll on my body. I thought i wouldn fall sick, but in the end i did. It should have happened way back earlier on, but i guess now wouldn make a difference.I wanna do well for everything i have chosen to do this year before my birthday and even after it.
There were many choices i made in this year that i know i didn hesitate and went ahead with it. Irrational, call me being rash, or on impulse..i just didn't felt like there wasn't a reason not to. But at the end of the day, i realise all the choices i made in situations leads me to a stage where i have no more choice but to carry on with what i have agreed earlier on. More often than not, its never... for myself. I have done too much this year for others.. I have all these self conversations and disillusion in my head especially when October comes around the corner. Something about October, feels right. Feels me, feels that in this month, i have to do something for myself. We can do without the talks for the rest of the months that i have forsaken, but not for October.
I know i have made many led downs and mistakes in my choices leading to disappointments. Especially in the friendship area. But selfishly, i wished they understood where i was standing, why i decided to choose the other option. But i know its my fault. You cant choose both love and friendship. You have to give up one. One always gets lesser than the other. But i dont wanna be like this anymore from now onwards. It doesnt mean that im going to think for myself now, i just wanna do what's rightful to the rest that i have missed out on for a long period of time.
I have been circling too much around yew. Now that's he gone, i dont deny that sometimes i feel like im the old me again. i feel like i can do without him at times like this when i fall really really sick when hes not there. But thing is its not he that didn care, its even if he wants, he cant. So truthfully, i have to compromise. But i dont want to anymore. I wanna find the other me thats been buried for really long deep underneath this relationship. And i wanna find her back real bad even when he books out, i know that i have finally strike the balance. Being in a relationship has made me lost something on the way, i dont really know how to put words to it, but i know theres something missing and i know i can have it even when im with yew. Just gotta trace it back.
Recitals, Danzation, Trainings, School, has taken its toll on my body. I thought i wouldn fall sick, but in the end i did. It should have happened way back earlier on, but i guess now wouldn make a difference.I wanna do well for everything i have chosen to do this year before my birthday and even after it.
Because i know, tracing back the dotted lines that i have missed , would eventually lead me back to the starting point.
No comments:
Post a Comment