Its November.

 I have this fucking urge to write this and pen it down so i came back here after a very long time.Yes A fucking long one.

 I remembered recalling feeling happy and surreal for the past few months even though it wasn't all perfect. I mean what is? Especially if you are here in this reality trying to understand every single shit happening around you.

But the truth is I was lying to myself. I quit my full time job because i knew what i wanted was to pursue fashion.Not some settling job that i clocked in and come out of the place like i went through a tormental mental warzone. I believe there's a reason why i even bothered to even sign up to Conde Nast College in the very first place. Nobody says no to Vogue and yes, fucking yes. Vogue is not gonna knock on my door twice. So i decided to bite the bullet and head to London this coming 2014. I had my interview with Vogue when i was on my trip to KL, did some 800 words essay critqueing on Louis Vuitton 2013 AW Fall Campaign, Steven Miesel and probably wrote a shit load about Giselle Bundchen. Fashion Bullocks and got my one way ticket. I honestly felt i was Charlie heading to Willy Wonker's Factory just that i was paying tribute to my Fashion Bible. That's about it.

Sure, the fees were pressurizing. So pressurizing now i am working double jobs. One where i say hello and goodbye to dawn twice without my precious slumber. I felt numb. In the midst of all this, i had a relationship. I thought maybe that was a golden glimmer but no it wasn't. I loved him though. I was half the time losing myself once again. I got angry and sometimes tears won't stop flowing because i couldn't control my anger. It killed us. And I remembered promising to myself that i will never make the same mistake twice again. So if anyone even read this, we broke up yesterday. It wasn't a break up, it was a break and it broke me. We pressed the stop button and rewind the whole 7 months to a fresh new page of paper. Basically, I am standing now in square one. We are friends.After all the sex, talks, hate, love, tears, we are friends. I don't know how to comprehend that but my love for him yesterday isn't the same anymore as of now that i am typing this. It sort of disappeared and i just wanted to move on and protect myself. He wants to build it up, I just dont know what to believe in anymore.

Despite that, I only know there's one thing that will always be constant. Its change. Never lose yourself for anything. That's what i have learned after all these years. You lose yourself to lose your worth and then never really did realised that you deserve so much better from what you settled for because you fear to lose the other person.

To be honest, I am afraid of London. I am afraid of living alone and it will be like this for three months 15 weeks. At the same time, im fucking psyched to head there right now. I want that three months to be the best time of my life ALONE. I had enough of satisfying anyone else. This time im doing this for me.Learning to love yourself has been the hardest thing to learn for me. I never did knew how to measure my worth.

I am going to try. If you are in one situation where you always compromise and gets nothing in return, i suggest you should walk away from it .Its unhealthy and gets you nowhere.

Wish December would be so much better.I honestly hope that choosing this path was the right decision. Not gonna know it until i give my best.


Till then, I will shift this place to a new blog. One where i will document everything i will be going through once i am officially +44 :)


Looking forward to that. 

i trust no one in this world. cause everyone in this world is selfish. devour yourself or be devoured by others.

strangely familiar

Blair: "i would do anything for you chuck, what if that's wrong?"
"i never thought it was possible to love someone too much but maybe it is..
i dont like who i've become with you"

this is the end...chuck.

(:

my man

i love yew

if possible, this is how long i want it for us.
but who's to say it will last?

寂寞寂寞就好

this is how i feel when i give this piece of advice :" you should give time, time.." but whenever it happens to me,i never ever heed my own advices though :/

love this song (: it says everything.

2010-2011

upcoming events, need to stay organised (: phew so much going on so i need to stay focus and work hard, dance hard as well..

Fb production- watching at 17 and 18 december
sunshine's 21st -18 december Preppy theme
Cousin's wedding 24th-25th December
RUDOLFUCKYEAH- 25th december
Vetting for Danzation- 26th December
Audition for Choreographer's for Gems audition - 30th december ( anger hiphop- *BIG headache*)
On the same day 30th december : countdown performance : eve's recital item scape
Sophia's 21st- 2 jan Masquerade theme
School reopens - 5th Jan ( 4 modules TO conquer)
Danzation Production - dancing 7th &8th january
Yew's P.O.P date on 8th Jan
Trainings for SDD- every saturday from now onwards
SDD- February http://www.dancedelight.sg/ 59 more days..
Semester ends 25th march
EXAMS
GEMS 6- in April

i know. i know. what your thinking at e back of your head, juggling school, dance all at the same time, my health is going to go down again.

time to stock up on the vitamins. next sem is no joke with commercial law, prices and markets, bus stats and mgt acc will drive me crazy.

better buck up leycia. you dont have much time.
so MANY EVENTS CLASH. :(

happened to read up on this HAHAHAH

"Many women push themselves too hard to do something that can wait until another day. They seem to get into situations that created more stress than could really be handled, placing unnecessary physical and emotional strains on themselves as well as others.

Why do we do these things? We either fail to realise or don’t want to believe that it is physically impossible for us to accomplish everything we task ourselves (or have been tasked) with. To stay mentally and physically healthy, we need to learn how to better manage our time. It has been said that the best way to manage your time is to prioritise and delegate."

HAHA fcuk man so true. i have fallen into the superwoman's trap. :/

off for a tann and swim with my bestie samm <3>

SUPERWOMAN NEEDS A BREAK TOO!✈

Faith is spelt with you and me

im with a simple guy but im a complicated minded girl. but i want to be contented, i want you to be happy too. i want to work towards my goals, i wanna work towards our goals too. I just want what's best for you,what's best for us.. so from now on, we are going to be strong cause despite everything against you and me, i still believe in us.

thinking back, ive got all that i wanted before i started out in this route, i had nothing, i wasnt a dancer, i found someone i love who loves to dance, i found many friends, involve myself in competitions , performances and productions and found a goal to work on.

most importantly, i found my passion. some people come around, and they dont find it, but i did.

wanna be BFAB. cause you give respect to the boombox thats given birth to you. (:

thankful. blessed and happy. 2010 thank you!

DIG this video and song alot. (:

well the thing is, my faith says its time i come out of my shell and kill this social stigma thats been going around for way too long in dance.. cause its time, i do something about it already. gonna prove that i can, and i can do this. must STOP. feeling. insecure.

Gonna bring this piece to the stage. dedicate it. must kill it at audition. nuff said.

SDD, GEMS CONCERT, DANZATION. SEM 2 HERE I COME.

till april, i hope i survive. i hope i dont collapse.
busy like a bumblebee but i still need my honey :D

honestly im quite worried about whats going on with my immune system nowadays. it hasnt been a smooth sailing year for my body. I know how stubborn i am. Wish i could really change this habit so that everything would be better, but really im trying to make changes now so that i have more time to spent with the family. As much as i know we aint that close that we can talk about our troubles as in those inner deep troubles where you watch on television and your mum hugs you and tell you everything will be ok? Doesnt happen in this family. Its something like i only get a hug and kiss when its my birthday. But i do remember having a goodnight kiss all the time when i was younger, wondered where that went and i forgot how i used to kiss my mum goodnight too when i was just a child. They say everything is much better when your younger, its true.

Yesterday, i headed to the science centre with lbf for the C.S.I experience which i was so hyped up for. Gotta thank god for him sometimes. I dont know why. Cant find a friend who used to be my ex, or rather i was his first love, we used to be enemies, we had a very bad broke up and things ended badly we didn contact each other for almost close to 4 years and then we found our way back to each other through gems concert. i remembered. something asked me to ask him to come to watch that concert, then we became friends again. Those really good friends where we could dig back all that old shit and talk about it and dont feel awkward at all. I had the best prom ever and the worst experience at secondary two with him creating a whole hoo ha, of accusation or assumption that didn even happen and well, i guess im gonna remember him for life as my arch enemy back then, even the fugging sitting plan for sec 4 had me and him placed together at the front row. HAHAHAHAH. wtf. but a switcheroo, and everything feels better now.

its good to have a person like this in your life, who have known you in all sorts of ways, as a girlfriend, as a friend and as an enemy. So i probably had his ego up a little too much if he ever read this post. but yeah, this post is for you. subtracked alittle, the C.S.I thing was really awesome. there were three crime scenes that you had ta gather evidence , and there was really a corspe ( fake of course) and the crime scene with evidence all left there for you to decipher, i really felt like a detective. :D dont mind going back there with yew, if he books out. ^-^ but travelling there is really a siaotingtongz.

dont wanna talk about how i ended my day at UWB showcase, but having able to witness the works of nappytabs is truly a blessing. The migraine just hadta fugging spoiled everything. whatever it is, yesterday had its fair share of ups and downs. just wanna document it down, ( i know not in a very orderly like i used to type out my thoughts kinda way) so that i can remember it vividly. im getting old and like i said at the beginning of my post, gastric migraines, fever flu, had its way to me this year, all within a month. its time i change up my schedule a little bit. off for my first tp training ever since i graduated. its gonna be awkward, but im going to just dance and fuck care all the socialising and talking. thank god i have sha and cheryl. still contemplating if i should do gems 6. we will see about that.

no one

i have alot inside i know i have been dying to say. Its been kept in there for a really long time ever since september till now. I just couldn tell it to anyone, because i felt that no one would understand, i felt that no one was able to sit down for one second, put down their cell phone, not think about anything else and just fucking focus at what i was saying, look me in the eye and just pay attention to every single bit of it. I just couldn find a companion the way i wanted my companion to be my composure. No one else comes close to how i used to feel about voicing out , now i cant tell to anyone at all.

this is how i feel: im going to pour it out once and for all now. i cant take it any longer. sometimes, it boils down to a point, i dont wanna say it because i know every "someone" out there i meet is fighting their own battle. i can never grab hold of their one dimension and sublime my bubble of troubles with theirs. i cant seek refuge in another's trouble bubble by not bursting it.

ever since university started, i felt that there was no one there to ever listen to how i feel. i just went to school, study, the way regimented has its own methods of getting up my sleeves, i felt boring, i felt like i am not doing what i like at all. This may be the last phase, but i believe that i hated the environment. I hated the people around me. i cant believe im saying this, but its true. Dont get me wrong, they are not mean people, i just felt, it was superficial bonding, people i know my questions i would asked will be on the surface, i will never be able to let them in or tell them how i truly feel because sometimes, the casual sarcasm jokes voiced across when a serious issue is mentioned, just got brushed off like that. its not that ive never tried, saying how i truly feel nowadays just doesnt WORK anymore. i keep EVERY single thing to myself. i dont even believe in telling them to my best friends.

Much less my dance friends, much less telling it to yew. The relationship is just one sided now. sometimes i get really tired. i know you dont take me for granted, i know i did mention i dnt get tired of travelling, because we dont have a choice. The only way for me to meet you is for me to travel all the way to bukit panjang to find you. The truth is, im really tired. I miss the time where you would come and find me, where we would hang out other places other than your house, i miss having dinner with you, i miss watching a movie, being able to hang out late on a sunday and never have you to book in, what i miss most is your INITIATIVE. its gone. This relationship, honestly is starting to become a burden to me. You asked me if its what i said was the truth the previous time, it was. i lied sorry. Im getting tired. I dont know why i cant tell you my problems now cause i know your weary, it becomes that i just listen to your field camp, i just sit and listen to your tired ness what you go through, it became all about you.

when was the last time, you sat down and hear about me? about how i feel, cause the last time i said something, you could only say sorry and tell me you feel guilty and ask me to stop saying. I cant tell you anything anymore. much less to audd or sy. because i know they are busy with their work. They have their troubles too. Then i see alot of my friends who have what they have now, but dont cherish and take it for granted, spoilt, and treat like whatever thats given to them is byright fair and comes easy and of not a big deal.

it fucking aint. I dont know why im so cooped up. I just cant find anyone else to talk about my troubles anymore. Even if i have, i just cant. i realised i have been fencing myself very deep in ever since yew enlisted, ever since my bestfriends started working and ever since uni begin for me. there, ive spit it out.

i dont believe im the same leycia anymore. there were many days, i cried myself to sleep and when i needed you to be there, you cant, and you will never appear, but when you needed comfort and when you need me the most, i will be there, because thats how this relationship survive, a flower surviving on a gardener's responsibility to water it. But the flower never ever wondered if the gardener is getting weary of doing so.

i just want someone to talk to, sit down and for once know whats really going on in my life. Especially this gastric incident, it just showed me who really cared, and who didnt. everyone is just so fucking selfish nowadays, the disappointment is not surprising anymore to take.

if one day, someone takes my hand, sits beside me and look me in the eye and tells me that :" i will be here to listen, or i will be here silent, you just have to let it all out"..i bet i wont know how to response, because there were too many fences build to fence myself in from such a person. he/she doesnt exist anymore.

memories like glitter

"If you could only grab hold and stench your hand with the smell of fresh glitter, a few distinctive beautiful memories... when you dip into a glass bottle, i want every single one of mine to shine."

my support

recital is tomorrow. very excited for it. nervous yet i know i will try my best to conquer the stage cause where the dancer stands on the stage is ground feet honour to do so. And to the love of my life (: thanks for being here for me even though we have so little time together. I love yew for that. (: gonna turn in now. tmrow is gonna be a great day. i cant wait. listen to the music, cause its your teacher, and the rest will follow through. take flight. cabin crew.

price tag

i love it better like this. when i have nothing to do, when its raining outside, me having a book in hand, my mac on the desk and a mug of instant caffeine. Something i would never ever ever get when school starts. gonna seep everything in slowly today.

on a brighter note, hear this. im in love with jessie j. (:

Life tape

oh yes. i havent been here for eons again. HAHAHHA (: sorry. pardon the lack of leyciaish gibberish that doesnt make any single sense in this century. i refuse to do anything productive today right now as im sitting on the chair with my lunch on the desk. just nothing. i wanna chill this day off cause out of 365 days in the calender, this one should just pass off as one of those " non-busy, grab your shoe and zhao, never pack socks, run to recital training, mrt to clementi then back to the east days". period. so this will be 1/ 365 im willing to slack it off and do nothing. just one day cause my body doesnt wanna get too accustomed to it. ^-^

i woke up funny today, especially after yesterday's fulldress run. it got me thinking, " no mistakes= perfection?" This sentence ( well not grammatically of course) can be interpreted in so many ways. ho hum. In studies, everyone make mistakes but you learn from them and then dont make them again( but half of the time, or rather in my case, most of the time, i do commit them again) but " its of human to err" is the lousiest excuse when you stick to your stand in front of a perfectionist. just doesnt work that way for dance. You've got only one shot on stage. one shot to make it right. And sometimes, when i screw it up, and when the lights black out after the whole item ends, the feeling is, " shit, i screwed it up, that wasnt my best" and then i guess for some dancers out there, do tear it silently inside or show it on the outside. Well everyone have their limits. Speaking in many or rather trying to put myself in many high cuts yankees nike dunks, i feel like that too. just plain demoralised that you didn do your 110%. "The audience is stupid" thats what ryan always says. But, thats not an excuse either. just cause they are plain stupid ( well not literally) cause humans love love love WITH THE CAPITAL L to judge with what they see on the first visible layer of their eyes. ive decided to work on it.

There comes a point of time when you sit by a bench in an empty park, you close your eyes and then your life flashes right before you. just right there, and you see images, pretty marred lines of what you can grab hold of in your past just playing on repeat like an old rickety rocking chair that doesnt stop its motion. You want it to be fabulous when you press the pause button right there. No matter which scene, which image, you know that image of life, at that point of second you paused your lifetape, its still beautiful. So i guess, on stage, yes no mistakes= perfection cause you have to do it right, but when you screw it up, suck it in. Cause nobody teaches you to make that mistake. They only teach you not to make it. You have taught yourself how to learn from your mistakes the moment you actually make it.

So im going to start teaching myself stop harping on mistakes. Then stop it the moment i make it and tell myself, there there... one lesson like this is more than enough. you have many more ahead of you to start not to "teach" yourself with.


ps: my camera isbeing a baby, playing dead with its usb "like its umbilical cord hanging around." update on my trip to JP and NYC, the next post when i fix its faulty brain. loves

dreamcatcher

there are some things that aren't real., but i believe the grass are getting greener each day. I know that day is drawing near, i know by far one day when i wake up, i see what a fleeting glimpse of a flickering memory of my future is.. and all i wanna see it, is different from diffused faulty lights... that my dreams aren't mere marred lines of images i drew with weak fingerprints on broken glass , disappearing with fragments of condensation..that my wait is not transient but worthwhile.. cause at the end of the day, when i say "i do", i knew everything was did leycialy.. and when that day comes real,i will have no regrets.

i would rather soar than fly. At this moment.,its not about flying away anymore. its soaring where hellground is.

and when sunsets, you get stardust