Goodbye

too late

"the truth is certain things has no meaning to me anymore. i was over it a long time ago. You know people need you only when they feel like they should."

By the way, who's that girl living my life...

do you wanna run away as well?

cause i do.
i dont even have to or wanna say anything or explain..
i just wanna scram and get lost from all situations.

anything, any person..


i had this dream last night that i fell asleep and never woke up.

for the first time, this is blissful.

im going to break down soon.

then again these are just words that in human nature, one will overlook as well.

words can be so fragile too.

just leave me be...

i will get over it.


my time is running out, so is my energy depleting every tick tock it goes..


i really cant stand this selfishness.
how can you even just be so selfish?

im not superwoman, but this year i was made one.

Just had this talk with smiling hero and i realised that indeed in the year of 2009, ive been through alot. Ive seen alot, the ugly, the beautiful and alluring sides to many things, the little hardwork and efforts in team work, suddenly all my hopes were dashed, then i picked the pieces up again and start to lead a double life. I remembered vividly saying this to someone, if only there was leycia A and leycia B, then i could fully mobilise leycia B to lead my second life that i have been struggling to maintain. Not everyone whom you actually talk about your responsibilities and the weight you shoulders can fully understand what you are going through. The pressure has been escalating, i can safely and officially say that i have never ever truly rest my mind in this year. From Gems, to the fateful departure, to my disastrous internship but somehow changed my perspectives to alot of stuff, to trainings for suntec dance comp, to the start of this semester, to 11 projects, to a 25 page report, to flying solo, to shing's departure,to see that words always fall on deaf ears, to see people fail you, and you are left hopeless but to piece every little single detail together, to stay in the library till 8 plus in school just to search for the information you need that others cant give you, or rather there is little enlightenment to anything, to sacrificing dance, to giving up on explaining of missing out on outings, to have to reject meeting of best friends, and to something else that will hit the restart button in a few more months to come in my life. The year 2009 has simply not been wonderful in any ways to me, but im thankful to it, im thankful that it has taught to me see many things clearer. I know what i want at times, but ive learn to prioritise because i know this year, i have huge responsibilities, I cant simply throw and chuck them away as and when i like and cause others to suffer. But at the end of the day, i realise im the one suffering the exhaustion. I guess its human nature, its either person A sacrifices and Person B gets away with the freedom or vice versa. One thing that i guess i have learn to tolerate is empty promises. I ve realised that at the end of the day, you have only yourself to blame and when empty promises are like " words that spoke louder than actions", you come to your senses and decides to shut all doors and get the job done by yourself.

In the year 2009, i have learn alot, i have learn to depend on myself, but ive lost my trust to alot of those who betrayed their words and they dont even know it. I guess its going to take some time to heal. The tough will always get going.. I know somehow, somewhere deep within me, there's something different and i will prove it. Sometimes, trying to be inside another person's world, just by the mentioning of this sentence feels so fragile and futile.

the truth is you can never be in another person's world or life..
you can only be there for that person.

i secretly love taxi drivers who knows when to shut up and be silent.

Bittersweet

im beginning to realise that its after the drinking and partying, but yet a sober self of yours laying in a taxi, chasing the raindrops past midnight

you take a drive on somebody else's car and the outside is pouring..

that feeling.. is inexplicable.

all memories come rushing back like an unstoppable pressure.
it only works when you are sober and the rest is dead drunk.

that was a year ago...

after yesterday night late at the stadium, i took a taxi.. drove past a familiar route..
that feeling came back once again.

but i guess the only difference is..

im not that girl anymore.

so much have changed ..oh boy..


glad that i manage to meet up with DNJH at least for a short while :>
really missed the old times where we just hanged out and chill like the world didn exist.
thanks buddy.
you are the best. it was great to see you.

im not joking

My world

everything in this world is a sheer bliss of turquoise, flora and all fauna in violet luminous lights.

just a moment or presence in such an ethereal dimension will lift my spirits.

only those who knows , know.

1:52-2:52

never ending

fck im really damn damn drained. i cant be bothered with anything else. yesterday i had training at ten in the morning till 12 in the afternoon do project and we chiong till 2 am.. and just one more day we can get it printed and done. tonight its till 2 am again and then off to finish up gaming and cruise.


oh and on top of that, i sat on the floor last night using xq's laptop for a close prox of 5 hours and my back now is having this almighty piercing pain. tmrow i still have street jazz ,hiphop and modern training.
i need to learn to manage my time well, afterall i lead a double life :<

:( what's going on with me.

i swear it's

so haywired. @#$@$#

Yuletide

"Fill a cup to its brim and it is easily spilled..
if it's already full, what else can you provide for..

窗外的天气
就像是 你多变的表情
下雨了 雨陪我哭泣
看不清 我也不想看清
离开你 我安静的抽离
不忍揭晓的剧情
我的泪流在心里 学会放弃
听雨的声音 一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸象雨滴渗入我的爱里
真希望雨能下不停
让想念继续 让爱变透明
我爱上给我勇气的 Rainie love
窗外的雨滴 一滴滴累积
久违的雨滴 一滴滴累积
屋内的湿气象储存爱你的记忆
真希望 雨能下不停
雨爱的秘密 能一直延续
我相信 我将会看到
彩虹的美丽
冷冷的空气 很窒息
我无法呼吸
一万颗雨滴的距离
很彻底
让爱消失无息









hahas
that voice is not mine. D:
hehe

i realised that my eyes tell a thousand words, this was captured by a friend. I cant even remember what we were saying at all, but i bet i truly felt what she was saying. which explains why i was so gleeful.

speaking of which,
baby

happy 3rd month :>

avatar with you was avatarish.
<3

"sometimes living a double life can be life threatening yet so thrilling.."

i love to appreciate silence when its golden.
i love to listen more than to speak
i love to look out at the skies after rushing a 2000 words report and realised what i've missed out all day
i love the adrenaline rush when im on stage
i love to chase after raindrops pelting down the window panes.
i love it when i dont have to say anything and people understand and get it on rare occasions.
i love it when im around genuine people
i love to see daddy holding their daughter's hands when they cross roads
i love my memories, the good and bad ones
i love it how momentarily my mind teleports me to another world secretly on my own during train rides, one that no one knows or can comprehend when i explain.
i love it when i remember to spray perfume before i head out.


but
im beginning to realise that my love for it is fading ever since the workload is piling and the more i try to get understanding and cooperation from anything, anyone around me, the less i receive.
i finally understand what's it like to feel helpless in trying to voice out. i've been missing out on life's simple pleasures.. i hope it rains tonight..

i need that nostalgia.

when i sneeze, i can feel every part of my body aching.. This is bad. Forgot to stretch. And most importantly mommy is leaving tomorrow for HK. The one i was suppose to embark on but because i cant leave my huge responsibilities behind, i figured sacrifices are calling from all walls like crawling vamps trying to feed on my blood.

i really dont know whats wrong with me these days.. i only know something is wrong with my body. Need to go check it out, even my heartbeat is faster than a normal person should be beating.

Can't fight the adrenaline rush nor the pace of my heart. :> hahas

ok back to my oh so lovely projects. This sem is some kick buster. 7-9 Jan is open house, waack, street j and Hiphop. My left fourth rib bone, back arch shoulder bones, inner thigh muscle, triceps all hurts like fcking mad. Hence, i try my best not to sneeze.

till then, i wont be blogging as much.Zero Social Life's whats going on.

ps: i like the fact that i have understanding friends.
they are those that wont leave you in times when you cant meet them because of school work.
i have in total cancelled 12 dates.
FTW

and christmas is in a week's time. I dont feel any of it at all. Guess shing at NY will be seeing some awesome snow. I wanna see snow too! Maybe i will go tissuefy my room now.

:(


*these projs are driving me crazeh

"There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn’t thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and go on."

I've been kidnapped by time.. umpteen times..
about time to release me..

D for drug

its funny how you know.. people try to take advantage of you but still think that you are an easy push over all the time. Sometimes i feel like they can really get away with it, when im soft hearted but the thing is, im no push over. and this time, im affirmative that you have gotten yourself into deep waters. Even i cant save you anymore because i realised i'm actually done trying to be the nice person, done trying to piece the things up together. Especially at this period, i realise that i cant afford to be selfless anymore, im afraid my body literally cannot make it to the finishing line.. like literally..no joke..vomitted twice today, took some antacid pills and literally just had one meal today but cruise proj discussion was seriously productive. (: Happy that we created the " orthodox omen" .. Its some cool shit stuff, think we should sell the idea to some theme park, i would totally go for it.

time to change for the better, dont say ive not warn you.
im pretty sure you wouldn like the outcome if this goes on any further.

sometimes i really dont get it why i fcking still care, when people actually trample over my feelings, take advantage of my capabilities but i still do have a sense of empathy, standing in their shoes thinking " hey i guess she must have her reasons and..."

then when i look into the mirror, i realised..
no one is going to do the same for you

i decided to stop once and for all.

speaking of looking at the mirror,

as days go by, i see my colours fading...
its like im missing my "drug"

from today onwards, i shall be sad no more.
(: only happiness
like how im going to eliminate those nasty white cells heh.

i m gonna be ok!

My heart is beating its way to hypotension.

i received some not-so-good- news.
i wanted to share it with you
but guess the phonecall just didn ended so well that i decided not to.
the whites are more than the red ones. i hope this isnt so.

Its my life..i decide.

i need to dance, i gotta dance. But here comes reality speaking to me :,

"You are your own time machine"

thanks to my aweshomest auddball.. it made me realised..

its just 10 more weeks and i am free.

IN THE MIDST of all of this, there is still open house
dancer vs school freak

no more time to squeeze for anything else i swear.

sometimes you look at some people and you just can't help wondering that they wouldn't understand what you are going through only till they actually go through it themselves.. you are just experiencing something earlier and sooner that life will give it to them in the future. everyone will get it somehow some day, just how tedious will it be and how you can handle it.
your life, you choose.

people fail you, dont fail yourself, suck it up and get the job done.
If you are going through hell, make it a great one.
Karma always exist. its just a sooner or later thing.

she was damn awesome in the movie.
makes me wanna go to the war and stop being so melancholic over silly trivial matters in life.
im so not stress in my course and i can totally overcome all modules.
nothing beats going to war.

you gotta catch it.

So far ive fought these few battles( highlighted), more to come man. ( sigh)

18 nov- cruise test lec 1-4
20 nov- Gaming operations Case study assignment deadline
21 Nov- Pulau Ubin Mcc Field Trip for Project
23 nov- Facilities Management Test
25 Nov- Intro to Gaming Test
30 Nov- Spa Field Trip Report
30 Nov- Club Management Test
1 Dec- Spa and Wellness Management Test
4 Dec- Destination Planning and Development Field Trip Reflection
4dec- 22 dec ( TERM BREAK = CHIONG PROJ TIME FOR SUBMISSIONS WHEN SCHOOL REOPENS)
28dec-Spa and wellness management Project Reflection
31 Dec- Club Management Second life Assignment
6 Jan- Cruise Business Project Submission
8 Jan- Club Management- Second life assignment
8 Jan- Intro to Gaming Project Submission
11 Jan- Club Management second life assignment
11 jan Club Management Project Submission
11 jan- Destination and Planning and Development Project Submission
11-15 jan- introduction to gaming operations Group Presentations
15 jan- Destination and Planning and Development Project Reflection (Individual)
20 Jan- Cruise Business Interview
22 jan- Club Management - Interview
18-22 jan - Spa and wellness management - Proj Interview
25 Jan- Facitlities Management Project Submission
25-29 Jan- Facilities Management


FINAL YEAR EXAMS for all 6 modules

s t r o n g e r

i will search for it but this time ,alone. i'm pretty sure i can cope with this without anyone else. so fuck yeah dun you worry peops.
damn..this few weeks has been real unhealthy.

"today something happened. " plop" a heavy thud goes her heavy bundle of notes and she just cowered in one corner and couldn stop crying for quite a while. Her neighbors heard screams and banging..wondering what's going on.. then she wiped away those tears, walked out of the room and pretend like nothing ever happened and continued doing what she was supposed and have to do. oh she googled "depression" as well just to make sure she wasn't that pathetic just yet" - Elicia

Elicia :"damn you poor worthless thing, i really feel for you. Go ahead and cry your fucking heart out."
Leycia : " and after that, what should i do then?"
Elicia :" lie like you should"

what i want is someone who shares something more than just common with me, who understands me completely and even if i dont have to say it, i don't have to show it, some part of her will know.Someone who i will never have to lie to just to hide my real feelings.
i want a twin.The last person on earth who assumes my emotions or judge me. Someone who will never hurt me.
What i want is selfish, because somehow i am tired of being unselfish in this selfish world. You want what's impossible because you can't find it in reality. Not even close , not even a trace of this existence.

What i want, you can't give me. because slowly and unknowingly, i am becoming less of a priority.

"NONCHALANT WAS NEVER NATURALLY AN ADJECTIVE THAT CAME , IT WAS MADE."
i hate how everything i do, everything i think of is partially influenced by _____.
i am trying my utmost best to be as busy( even though i really am but i still miss you) so i won't have to swallow this " natural " occurrence that i have to accept. And because of this, i learned to be nonchalant towards any affection showered, because this is a new thing called self protection. Eventually it's going to break either's heart. I want to prepare for departure like how i should. It's not a stage rehearsal. Don't say i never tried.

because its spelt like that in the first place..

the truth is im tired of waiting for you.