Its November.
I have this fucking urge to write this and pen it down so i came back here after a very long time.Yes A fucking long one.
I remembered recalling feeling happy and surreal for the past few months even though it wasn't all perfect. I mean what is? Especially if you are here in this reality trying to understand every single shit happening around you.
But the truth is I was lying to myself. I quit my full time job because i knew what i wanted was to pursue fashion.Not some settling job that i clocked in and come out of the place like i went through a tormental mental warzone. I believe there's a reason why i even bothered to even sign up to Conde Nast College in the very first place. Nobody says no to Vogue and yes, fucking yes. Vogue is not gonna knock on my door twice. So i decided to bite the bullet and head to London this coming 2014. I had my interview with Vogue when i was on my trip to KL, did some 800 words essay critqueing on Louis Vuitton 2013 AW Fall Campaign, Steven Miesel and probably wrote a shit load about Giselle Bundchen. Fashion Bullocks and got my one way ticket. I honestly felt i was Charlie heading to Willy Wonker's Factory just that i was paying tribute to my Fashion Bible. That's about it.
Sure, the fees were pressurizing. So pressurizing now i am working double jobs. One where i say hello and goodbye to dawn twice without my precious slumber. I felt numb. In the midst of all this, i had a relationship. I thought maybe that was a golden glimmer but no it wasn't. I loved him though. I was half the time losing myself once again. I got angry and sometimes tears won't stop flowing because i couldn't control my anger. It killed us. And I remembered promising to myself that i will never make the same mistake twice again. So if anyone even read this, we broke up yesterday. It wasn't a break up, it was a break and it broke me. We pressed the stop button and rewind the whole 7 months to a fresh new page of paper. Basically, I am standing now in square one. We are friends.After all the sex, talks, hate, love, tears, we are friends. I don't know how to comprehend that but my love for him yesterday isn't the same anymore as of now that i am typing this. It sort of disappeared and i just wanted to move on and protect myself. He wants to build it up, I just dont know what to believe in anymore.
Despite that, I only know there's one thing that will always be constant. Its change. Never lose yourself for anything. That's what i have learned after all these years. You lose yourself to lose your worth and then never really did realised that you deserve so much better from what you settled for because you fear to lose the other person.
To be honest, I am afraid of London. I am afraid of living alone and it will be like this for three months 15 weeks. At the same time, im fucking psyched to head there right now. I want that three months to be the best time of my life ALONE. I had enough of satisfying anyone else. This time im doing this for me.Learning to love yourself has been the hardest thing to learn for me. I never did knew how to measure my worth.
I am going to try. If you are in one situation where you always compromise and gets nothing in return, i suggest you should walk away from it .Its unhealthy and gets you nowhere.
Wish December would be so much better.I honestly hope that choosing this path was the right decision. Not gonna know it until i give my best.
Till then, I will shift this place to a new blog. One where i will document everything i will be going through once i am officially +44 :)
Looking forward to that.
