Sunday, July 25, 2010

i need the world to listen than to speak

In three more days im flying to hong kong. but why does it feel like i just wanna stay here for a little while. just spent some time to myself ( i dont have to pack my luggage, iron those clothes, get ready for something)yet at the same time i wanna get out of here. Dont wanna get ready for anything yet. just sublime to the lazy walls.

I feel really tired these few days. probably its one setback after another, when you pave a path for someone, you become selfless, and when that person reaches a dead end or feels lost for directions, he/she becomes selfish, and you have to be more selfless to guide that person, produce productive efforts because in certain situations, they may even judge your ability to provide the best directions to the right route. i feel like that, for this whole month. I use to think yknow, smile it off, laugh yourself silly and tomorrow's gonna be a better day cause when you kinda reach 19 going to the big two O, everything becomes more surreal,its probably why i hit the books, something more naive and innocent for me to exploit then it exploit me compared to the world out there, where you put on a tie, wear your coat and hit the briefcase and off you go to be devoured.

nifty tricks, but ive got none. its not blonde to be stupid and naive, if there was a world in my head, people should be less selfish.
everyone is attracted to something new, but i wanna stay loyal to something, and maybe that determination always gets me somewhere. i can see it already. just let me have it, and i will be contented. if i have that world, i will live my dreams big.

nevertheless, im thankful my two limbs, two eyes, white face, body intact anatomy allows me to dance.They said optimism is so important from 20 onwards,i think i need some of that now. An angel would be sweet.

i have suntec, yog, recital,uni all to worry about. Other than dancing, im just a normal girl, not perfect, not flawless, just plain normal person. living. so thank god for dance, even if it fails me, i kinda found it and just wanna hug it tightly.

slumber time

Sunday, July 18, 2010

2 "O"s and 1 "O"


"its gonna be a roller coaster ride, sit tight"

i lost my will to write. oh gosh. It explains why here is always so dusty and the longer i do not come back here, the faster that faith is depleting. But its all good because too much happened to be put into words and sometimes words cant really express how much you feel for something and easily gets mistaken. Im just gonna do a little sum up of 2010 then im outta here. ._.
This year is gonna be a really really busy year for me. Just gonna weigh the pros and cons here, or i could just get all done and over with knowing my stubborn self being( i will fall sick a million times but brush it off *shrugs*). Coming august, i will be entering a total different phase of student life, the last phase in fact. Most of the times, i dont even know if it is what i wanna do. Guess everyone goes through that phase huh. But no, i really dont wanna sink myself into that 3 years pithole knowing what im studying is not what im gonna do in the future. stupid tourism course that really wasted my youth and all that eyebags is enough for me to go shopping a dozen times already. So no more of that. Its just gonna be me working hard with this degree all in the name for that cert and in the name of my own business. I really want a cafe of my own. Its just everything. Every single time i step into one, especially the scent, the buzz, and most importantly, the space i feel most like myself . it never fails me. so im gonna create that space for anyone who just wanna escape the world, be it with a book, a cup of coffee, or just some "alone" time to themselves. I really am gonna work hard for this. Even the baking part. oh gosh, it drives me crazy. but all the name of love. (:
Dance wise, (the double life) its going to be jampacked. Now im at the edge of the cliff, standing rocky, its rickety rack, but i know my vision is still as strong as the first time i closed my eyes and pictured all of us standing on that stage. I really wanna make it to audition date. because i know we most definitely can, but 5 people with different commitments and different free time is really driving me up the wall at times. Its so near yet so far, so close to touch, so im just gonna put actions into all my words. This nervous wreck, is as messy as my room. Then there's recital. Dont wanna screw this one up anymore. I need to give my all. its next sunday. i need to really WANT it. * pulls headbow tight* and right now all that YOG commitment at night, is making me sick. I can feel it already. Nope i never regret quitting my job to have some personal space, because i know i really need it after all that post drama syndrome and the relapse of my asthma, its time i gave myself a break. That aside, TBG was really awesome.because QUEST CREW was teh shit. i think i only truly love dtrix and ryan conferido. hahahahhahaha
For the past two months, its been amazing. Both bad, and great. not good but to me it was great. There were two people. In fact i guess there were three. One i have just reconciled from the past, two that were there for me always. I knew who was true to me, who wasnt, and who knew everything, and who didn't. When i needed time alone, when i never cry that far fetched, when i was at pit bottom, they pulled the ropes.
guess that's all i needed. People who wanted to fend for me, who just wanted to protect my rights. I dont get that very often. But im contented to have these people. not much, not a handful but just those few that always been there. that's more than enough.
i foresee, the upcoming months to be real hectic, more of packing of double luggage, and more auditions. But at the end of the day, i want to say this line to myself :" i made it". so im gonna wait for that moment. if you actually read till here, i must say wow, you have great patience and all. thanks for reading all that rant.
Im going to fight for my dreams. Flickering like a candle, but im going to fend all that wind. Its so fluffy BUT im not going to die.<3>


that aside ;








before audition, i m going to get all that back x2 x3 gah x whatever there is. cause im going to need it. otherwise, i had most fun at these two classes (: love eve! love o school. love dance peace! :D